The people of Ill Bethisad enjoy making fun of one another just as much as the ones who live *here*. Since one of the best ways to learn about a culture is to hear what others have to say about them, we present, with the most sober and academic of intentions, an anthology of jokes told about the Veneds by their neighbours, by the Veneds about their neighbours, etc. Click here for jokes about other nations of Ill Bethisad.
During the 2006 World Games, four men were arrested in Castreleon: a German, a Bohemian, a Russian and a Vened. All of them had an almost lethal alcohol rate in their blood of 1/250.
The German had had four glasses of Schnapps.
The Bohemian had had six pints of strong Bohemian Úrkvel.
The Russian had had two bottles of vodka.
And the Vened? The poor fellow hadn't had a drink for three days!
During an official state visit to England, King Witold of the RTC wants to see for himself how the average Englishman lives. Therefore, he tells his guard to go home and decides to go for a walk alone, incognito. Dressed like an ordinary civilian, he enters a London supermarket, where he buys a bottle of wine, a carton of milk, and six apples. After he has paid for his purchases, suddenly there's cameras and journalists everywhere. The director of the supermarket steps forward, hands him over a huge bouquet of flowers and a cheque of 1000 pounds.
Puzzled, the old king asks: „Why, is this because I am your millionth customer?”
But the director denies this firmly. So the king asks: „Is it then because I am Witold IV, king of Veneda and Lithuania, lord-protector of Venedic West Africa and Southeast Florida?”
„Not at all, Sir,” the director replies. „It is because you are our first customer from the RTC who didn't try to steal anything!”
Somewhere in Southeast Florida, deep in the RTC's Zone of Occupation, a young Floridian couple is taking a nice long walk, enjoying Florida's beautiful nature. Suddenly, they see a man who's is kneeled near the river, trying to drink water with his hand.
„Hey mister!” the young Floridian yells at him from a distance in Castillian, „you shouldn't drink from that water. It's poisoned!”
„Kód Don dzikszy?”1 the man asks in Wenedyk.
And the Floridian replies: „Miel biar ku dwór manór!”2
1 What did you say?
2 Better drink with two hands!
Q: What happens when a Lithuanian moves to Latvia?
A: Then the average IQ goes up in both countries!
(Depending on the region where you live, the same joke might also be applied on Silesians moving to Bohemia or Slevania, or Ruthenians moving to Ukraine)
Q: How do you sink an RTC battleship?
A: Put it in water.
(told by handing a piece of paper with the following to someone)
How do you keep a one-armed Erdekan busy? Flip Over →
In ancient times, when legends were still young, one word was never pronounced – out of fear that the legend might come true. That word was: JANAĆ.1
1 Leoń and Kazimierz Janać: twin brothers, Leoń is chancellor of the RTC, Kazimierz prime minister of Veneda. The word janać literally means „duck”.
Chancellor Janać visits an agricultural enterprise. When he found himself in the pigsty surrouned by a bunch of healthy, fine-looking pigs, photo reporters immediately started taking his picture. Janać said:
„Just don't add any kind of stupid text to the picture, will you? Like Janać i proczy1 or something like that...”
„But of course not, Mr. Chancellor!” the reporters answered. „We wouldn't even dream of that. You'll see, everything will be just fine.”
Early next morning the chancellor arrived at his office and opened the first newspaper on his desk. His eye fell immediately on a picture of himself surrounded by pigs. Underneath it was written: „Leoń Janać (third to the left)”.
1 „The Duck and the Pigs”.
An airship is carrying passengers from all over the world. Suddenly everybody hears a noise and the airship quickly starts losing height. The stewardess approaches the passenger closer to her, a Frenchman, and says:
„There is a hole in the airship and we are losing hydrogen. Please jump out, sir, the airship will be less heavy and you will save a lot of people.”
The Frenchman thought it over, knocked back a whole bottle of wine, quickly made love to all brunettes aboard, then shouted „Vive la France!”, and jumped.
It didn't help; the airship was losing more height. So the stewardess went to the next passenger, a Scandinavian:
„Please, sir, we are falling down and we will all die, unless you jump out of the airship.”
The Scandinavian thought it over, knocked back a bottle of aquavit, fucked all the blonds aboard, then shouted „Vikings rule the world!”, and jumped.
But still, the airship was losing height. And so, the stewardess went to the next passenger, a Vened:
„Please, sir, jump out of the airship and save all of us!”
„No way, lady!”, the Vened replied.
„Please, sir, I beg you. Please jump, then you will be a hero!”
The Vened thought it over, knocked back all the alcohol that was left, fucked everything that moved, then shouted „Long live Russia!”, and kicked out the Russian, who was standing beside him...
In the mountains of Pieskłoweneda, a tourist asks the village elder:
„Baco, don't you know if there are any tourist attractions around here?”
„We used to have one, son, but she got married lately.”
For the first time a Scandinavian expedition lands on the Moon. The captain is the first to leave the rocket. Just after he makes his first steps and just before he has a chance to plant the flag of the Scandinavian Realm, three other follows appear from behind a rock: a Russian, a Dalmatian and a Vened.
„Eh?” the Scandinavian said with a stupid face. „How come you've been here before us?”
„Well” the Russian said. „One night, I had a drink, and I said to my friend that life in Russia is rotten. The next day I was arrested. The SNOR offered me the choice: either be tortured and sent to Siberia for the next 30 years, or be the first man on the moon, become a hero and receive a medal. So here I am.”
And the Dalmatian: „I used to be a test pilot. One day, my plane exploded with such a boom that I ended up here, on the moon.”
„Ah. And how about you, then?”, the Scandinavian asked the Vened.
„Oh, leave me alone, I'm still on my way home from a wedding...”
The Venedic national football team has contracted a new player, a black man from Gambia. Before the first training, the trainer, Paweł Żowanik, gives his instructions to the players. He draws he huge rectangle on the blackboard and starts hitting it with a ball:
„Ball, you understand? Reclangle, here, goal. Yes. Goal here. Ball, goal, ball, goal. If ball goes to goal is okay, understand?”
When the Gambian player hears these words, he stand up, slightly irritated and disturbed but still able to control himself. In fluent Wenedyk, he tells the trainer:
„Mr. Żowanik, I've been living in Veneda for the last fifteen years. I have a wife and kids here. And I studied Venedic philology at Warsina University. I can speak the language better than quite a lot of Veneds!”
Żowanik looks at him with astonishment. And answers: „Sit down, boy, it's Madzany I'm talking to.”