"Mszatka" (the News)

Wnierdzej, 26 marcie 2004 o., 16:00



"It is 16:00 hours, time for the latest news at WRW1.

The war with Florida is facing its final hours now. The last remnants of resistance against the Coalition seem to have broken. There has not been an official capitulation yet, but this is merely due to the fact that there is no central authority left who could sign it. Nothing is known yet about the whereabouts of former Floridian president Jaime Bush. In the meantime, total anarchy has broken out in the Floridian cities. Despite the curfew imposed by the Scandinavian leadership, former representatives of the Bush administration are being lynched to death by angry crowds, shops are plundered, cars, telephone booths and other properties are vandalised, and public buildings are emptied and burnt down. The Scandinavian authorities claim to have everything under control; however, other sources claim that members of the Scandinavian military have again started emptying musea and harassing Floridian civilians.

For the Republic of the Two Crowns, the war has become one of the greatest successes in its history. Addressing the Sejm this morning, chancellor Jan Sacz said:

"We have all reason to be proud of ourselves. Could we have known the war would be so short, and our victory so complete? No! We expected months of heavy fightings, hundreds or thousands of casualties, and the sad duty of telling wives, parents and children that they had died for a just cause. Yet, we took our responsibility, not for our own sake, but for a better future of the entire world. Could we have known that we could finish the task without one single shot? Again, ladies and gentlemen, the answer is: no! But we did it anyway. Thanks to our efforts and those of our allies, a total victory over Florida-Caribbea has become a matter of days. Our brave soldiers have done a fantasic job, and I am confident they will do an even greater job during the months or years ahead of us."

The Republic of the Two Crowns will play an important part in the future of Florida. Chancellor Sacz said:

"After long deliberations with my Scandinavian colleague Høgh-Guldberg, we have come to the following conclusions: as soon as general Aldendorf and his staff arrive in Miami, the administration of the Scandinavian occupation zone in Southeast Florida will be handed over to them. The Scandinavian Realm itself has chosen to retreat from Florida as soon as possible, and to concentrate itself on the rebuilding of Charlotte Amalie instead. We respect their wishes, and I am convinced that we have the knowledge and the resources to make this a success."

It is not clear yet what the future of Florida-Caribbea on the longer term should look like. Høgh-Guldberg suggested that the country could be returned to Castille-Leon as a colony, but the Coalition has not reached any concensus yet regarding this proposal, nor has there been a reaction from Castille-Leon itself. Sacz: "All options are open to us."

General Aldendorf's airship has arrived in Miami two hours ago. Upon arrival, he held a short speech:

"I am both saddened by what I see here and happy that at least we have the opportunity to change it for the better. It is time to return this country to order! For the time being, the curfew must remain intact, but I promise that all civilians will be treated respectfully, and that those who engage in any crimes against them will be severly punished. I urge every Floridian to remain calm, to let our soldiers to their work, to go do their jobs, to make love, to watch the television... in short, to live a normal life. But let all those guilty of war crimes be warned, because we will hunt them down. Sooner or later, we will find them, and eventually we will make sure that they will pay for their crimes."

"Our intention is to rule this country with dignity. We shall make an inventory of the damages done by the Bush administration, the junta, and the liberating forces. We will provide or find all the experts and labourers needed to rebuild this poor country. Of course, we will also make sure every single artefact end up there where it belongs."

"Among the Floridians, we will look out for those who enclose freedom and democracy in their hearts. As soon as we make out who is who in this country, the Floridians will be allowed a free, self-elected, democratic government. We shall provide them all the guidance needed. And eventually we will leave Florida, as soon as we convince ourselves that our mission has been completed."

Subsequently, a black limousine escorted by army jeeps and motorcycles brought Aldendorf to the smoking remnants of the national library, where he intends to establish his headquarters.

At roughtly the same time, an impressive view was presented in Danzig, when no less than sixty huge zeppelins of the type Wenedyk Hindenburg P-20 from the Republican Airforce took off for Florida. "The sky was dark with zeppelins. They were everywhere. Amazing!", an observer stated. Their purpose: to bring 9,000 soldiers from Danzig, Veneda and Lithuania to Miami. "I am proud of these fine young men," their commanding officer, colonel Stasys Lozoraitis, said, "and of the mission they will fulfill. Together, we will write history."

Some reactions from the soldiers who will share in the honour:
"We're gonna kick some asses!"
"Yes, it is an honour indeed, really, you know. I am, I am... proud to be here, really."
"Wow man, always dreamt about going there... You know, sunshine, hot beaches, even hotter beach bunnies, catch my drift? Natch natch wink wink?"
"Party time, baby!!!"
"Let's see if those bloody vikings have left something for us!"
"I don't know about this Bush guy, but looking at his picture I'm sure we'll find him quickly. In the zoo!"

Other news has reached us from Latvia. Prime minister Alksnis has claimed the island of Tobago, not far from Venezôla in South America and previously part of Florida-Caribbea, for his country. His claim is based on the fact, that back in the 18th century Tobago was a colony of Courland for a while and still has a population that speaks a Latvian-Spanish-Native American creole, alongside the more commonly heard English and Castilian. Although Latvia has joined the Coalition against Florida-Caribbea on the very last moment, Alksnis considers himself one of the victors, entitled to come for his share. To effectuate his claim, Alksnis sent out two war cruisers to Tobago, and he appointed colonel Ziedonis Malevics in the function of Minister of Colonies. Tobago is also claimed by the Commonwealth in condominium with Venezola, and the island was apparently liberated by their forces also.

Finally, here's the weather for tonight [...]"