Jódzej, 1 oprzyle 2004 o.

RTC invaded by Martians?

TOMASZYN LIUBLIŃKI — Hundreds of reports are coming in from people who claim to have seen a flying saucer landing in the woods near Tomaszyn Liublińki. "It was enormous", a farmer said. "At least half a stadz long. And there were lights everywhere." A woman said: "Really huge, and covered with thousands of little lights. It moved so fast that it was gone before you realised that it had been there!"

This is not the first time that UFOs have been seen. Observations like this one are made frequently, in the RTC as well as in other countries. In most cases these observations can be explained easily, and the so-called UFOs always turn out to be weather balloons, airships, meteorogical phenomena, or the products of someone's fertile imagination. However, what is unique about this case is not only the huge number of people who saw it, but also the fact that they all claim to have seen exactly the same. What makes it even more interesting: the ship is reported to have landed, although officially no one has actually seen it yet.

"This is the most exciting day of my life," an old man said. "Tomorrow we'll probably know whether they have come to kill us all or to cure our diseases, and most importantly, whether they can speak Wenedyk."

"Everybody here knows they come from Mars!", a local said. "Whatever those so-called scientists want to make us believe," he added, referring to the current opinion among astronomers that life on Mars is improbable, if not impossible.

The exact location where the ship is supposed to have landed is unknown or has not been disclosed, but the army has sealed off a large area around it. Unconfirmed sources claim that chancellor Sacz has left the Sejm and that he is on his way to Tomaszyn. It is not known which ministery will be responsible for the contact with the Martians: the ministery of interior, the ministery of foreign affairs, or the ministery of national defense.

Tobago unites with Latvia

SCARBOROUGH, Tobago (WASP) — The provisional government that yesterday seized power on the small Caribbean island Tobago, has declared itself part of a "Union of Latvia and Tobago". Yesterday evening at 21:20 the regular program of the local television was interrupted by images of Tobago's self-proclaimed prime minister, Vassel Birko, surrounded by a mix of armed locals and officers of the Latvian navy who had just arrived to Tobago, speaking from the town hall of Scarborough:

"Liberty has finally come upon us! Thanks to our friends here [Birko pats one of the Latvian officers on the shoulder], centuries of foreign occupation have come to an end. No more oppression! No more slavery! [...] We are happy to tell you that Tobago can finally return to... under the mother-wing of Latvia. But not as a colony, oh no. Nor as a province, for that matter. No, my friends, we will be equals. Latvia's queen will be our queen as well, but our government will pursue its own course. My friend Viktors Alksnis has assured me that Latvia will support us, not exploit us. [...] Our friends here [points at the Latvian officers] are not here to colonise us. They are here because we have kindly asked them to, and they will help us defend ourselves against the imperialists from Florida, the NAL and Venezôla. [...] Oh yes, and from now on the name of this town will be 'Skarspils', remember that. Hail to queen Valentina! Hail to Latvia's great leader Alksnis!"