Информационная Телеграфная Агенция Российской Федерации (ITARF)


Press release

MOSCOW (ITARF) — Vladimir Zhirinovsky, leader of the NDPR-M [Muscovy's neo-snorist party, ed.], has expressed his satisfaction with the upcoming abdication of the Japanese emperor. In a short statement, he said: "Finally! How long was it supposed to last before this senile old man would finally leave the scene?"

Regarding the emperor's remark about Ezo, which he called Japan's "northern half ripped away by foreign aggression", Zhirinovsky said: "That's an insult, an outright lie! Do not believe him, folks. It was the Ezoans' own free and democratic choice to join our alliance after we had helped them liberate themselves from Japanese imperial oppression. This Saisai guy, or whatever he is called, has always been an enemy of our beloved Russian people. Not only did he use his overpaid agents to prop up resistance against Ezo's legitimate government with no other purpose than returning it under his own rule, he also played an extremely dubious role in the pityful secession of Primorye from our Empire. No, it's good that he is finally gone now. I hope this new girl will be wiser."

Zhirinovsky added: "If the Muscovians elect me as their president next September, I'll show them how a true Russian takes care of those Japanese. Arensky is too weak to do something about it... well, I'm not! It is about time we put an end to this ridiculous condominium thing going on in Primorye. Vladivostok will finally be what it was meant to be: our East Asian pride!"