Wnierdzej, 23 jąwarze 2009 o.

Cuatro Whát???

Marek Woliny

MIAMI/ORLANDO — Since a few days, the world has been talking about the so-called “Republica de Cuatro Palmas”, which in the language of the motherland translates as “Rzejpybiełka Kotru Pałmar”. It has been said that this Republic of the Four Palms is an independent state that was proclaimed recently in our Northern provinces. Some sources even go as far as to suggest that this independent state has already been recognised by Ireland and other states in the region. A sheer impossibility, because how can one recognise a state that does not exist?

“Cuatro whát???”, was the first, spontaneous reaction of governor-general Bambaryła after he had been informed about the rumours of a new state on our territory. Everybody knows that the governor-general is a capable and usually very well-informed man, who takes his task more than seriously. It would be hard to find anything of significance in Florida that would have escaped his attention. Therefore, how is it possible that he was unaware of such an important event as the proclamation of an independent state on Southeast Floridean soil? Of course, such a thing is unthinkable. Thus, his first reaction represents the very essence of this so-called new state in a nutshell: that there is no such thing as a Republic of the Four Palms. If anything, it could be a product of someone's vivid fantasy, or one of the bushist rebels' numerous efforts to disseminate erroneous information to create confusion. In other words, nothing to take seriously, nothing to be worried about.

An average politician would have left it at that. But the governor-general not so. His sharp mind immediately detected that there had to be more behind the rumours. Instead of taking a well-deserved night of sleep after a long day of hard work, he started pondering the matter, and quickly thereafter came to a shocking conclusion. He observed an international conspiracy that might seriously jeopardise the peace and stability the people of Florida and their elder brethren from the RTC have worked so hard for. A conspiracy that involves not only the bushist rebels, but also, more importantly, two foreign powers, notably the NAL-SLC and Ireland.

In a rare demonstration of openness, such as can only be found in a true democracy, the governor-general decided to share his thoughts with his beloved subjects. In a dramatic address to the people of Southeast Florida, broadcast life into each and every Floridian household, he informed the people of all the dangers involved, not even omitting certain failures of the RTC administration itself. Among other things, he said:

“I have to admit to all of you, my beloved subjects, that after nearly five years of our rule we still have a long way to go. In spite of our best efforts, there are still groups of people who dream about a return to the days of Jaime Bush and the Floridean-Caribbean empire. It is a known fact that in the thinly populated Northern area of our zone the conditions for small armed groups are optimal. I cannot deny the fact that after numerous cowardly attacks on the lives of our soldiers, my army has been forced to a temporary retreat from the North.”

“Now, we don't know for sure who is behind this so-called 'Republic of the Four Palms'. What we do know, however, is that certain foreign powers have cast their greedy eye on our lands. One of them has already been able to incorporate parts of Florida, and has made it more than clear that it is eager for more. We can't of course let this happen. We have to protect you, the people of Florida, to make sure that such a thing is never going to happen. And I hereby vow to you that we will never let it happen.”

“In spite of our strict border control, we have been unable to prevent foreign agitators sneaking in from the North. Although we have managed to capture a few of them, others have managed to join the terrorists, or worse, to fade away unnoticed into the local population, hiding and waiting for an occasion to stir up trouble. And here is the answer, my beloved countrymen! We may suspect that it is them who came up with this new invention: the Republic of the Four Palms. We have investigated the situation thoroughly and came to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a Republic of the Four Palms. READ MY LIPS, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A REPUBLIC OF THE FOUR PALMS! I hereby urge you to maintain the utmost caution and not allow yourself to be misguided by these agents”, the governor-general concluded.

The board of editors of the Wucz Florydzie, as always committed to the Truth and dedicated to objective, independent news gathering, decided to send a reporter to Orlando, and find out for ourselves what ordinary people think about this new republic. None of the interviewed expressed any sympathy for the idea of a microstate on their soil:

Tomás (62): “Republic of what? Never heard of it. Probably some new commercial to attract tourists, is it?”

Valerio (26): “Four palms? Hell, what a stupid name! There are a hell of a lot more of palms around here, y'know! But if it's nothing bigger than those four palms over there, they can sit underneath them and have their little republic there. As long as they don't make too much noise.”

Marguerita (31): “I've seen that there was something going on with flags here in the city, but I had no idea that somebody created a new state here. I certainly hope the RTC won't let that happen, otherwise we'll get the same kind of mess the Irish created in their zone. At least we are happy here and live in peace. Or would have if it hadn't been for them bushist terrorists. Thank God that there's hardly anything left of them, thanks to our liberators.”

Manuel (43): “A new state? A NAL complot, for sure! They do anything they can to get hold of our country. Let's hope all this is just a bad dream!”

Carlos (21): “It's never going to happen! Why don't these guerrillas leave us in peace? I pray every morning and every night that the RTC will deal with them once and forever. I've heard that a huge army is coming over from the RTC and can arrive any time now... They will clean up the region once and forever.”

From your reporter, Marek Woliny.